June 25, 2008

Fat Follow Up

I have figured out a great plan! I carpool with my mom and on Mondays and Tuesdays I have to wait for her to get out of work. I typically get to her office at like 5:40 and she doesn't get out until 6:45 or 7:00. On Wednesdays and Thursdays she gets out at 5:00 and instead of sitting at her office waiting for me to get there, she starts walking toward home so that she can get in her exercise for the day without having to waste any time! I am going to follow her lead and drop off my car and keys to her and then start walking or riding my bike! She can get 3 miles in 45 minutes to an hour, so I'm sure walking I could get 2 miles and riding my bike probably 5 or 6 miles! And I would still get home at the same time and wouldn't feel like I was wasting any time or having to get up earlier to exercise.

I feel much better about that plan. Now I'm off to search for a scale in stock at Target!

June 24, 2008

Fat Day

I'm having a fat day today.

This does not mean that I'm skinny and my favorite leggings highlight my cute little paunch.

This really means that I'm constantly amazed at how we can see ourselves every day and not realize what we look like from an outsiders perspective. I was just uploading pictures to my photbucket account and looked at this pic and it made me want to cry. Not only because I am ridiculously overweight, but because it makes me want to eat comfort food! What sense does that make - stupid psychological crap!

I am therefore making a resolve. I am going to buy a scale. I am going to walk. I am going to bike. I am going to eat relatively healthy. I will be skinny! If I can quit smoking I can quit eating. Well, that doesn't sound exactly right, but if I can quit smoking then I can certainly eat better and exercise.

I just need to get up earlier! Oh, sleep, how I will miss you!

June 23, 2008

The World Wide Web is Working Against Me

Ok, did you ever get the feeling that you are running down a particular path and as soon as you jump one hurdle, another one pops up? This is my life with my laptop.


So on Thursday, I left work believing that I would have to send my mom to UPS to pick up my laptop on Friday. I then received a cheerful phone call from the UPS man stating that the delivery would be made to my house between 6:15 and 6:30. Yay! That meant that everyone on the road had to be cooperative enough to get me home by 6:15 and that I had to race to Upper Room (the new name of the college ministry I run at church, you like?) but I was ok with that because I would have my laptop and just knowing that I could play with it when I got home was enough!


Do you think that worked? Um, no, traffic was awful, it was raining, people were driving like morons and I got home in time to see the UPS truck turn the wrong way out of a subdivision down the street. I considered chasing him...but then rationalized that I would not have the time to play that night anyway.


I waited until 6:30 just in case.


While at Upper Room, my aunt who graciously purchased the laptop for me called me a million times. Kind of unusual, but I thought maybe she was excited for me to get it! Turns out, rather than allowing me to pick it up the next day, like we had agreed, they dropped it with a neighbor...who I don't know. WHAT?!?!?! My very expensive laptop with someone I don't know? Rush home, rush home, rush home. Find the address. Crap, this is worse than I thought. Not only do I not know the neighbor, I know the house and that name does NOT belong to anyone that lives there! Oh, NO!


Turns out its their last name, not someone's first name, that signed for the package. Whew!


Oh, but the hurdling doesn't end there, my friend. Since I did not yet have a wireless router and since I had to download some security measures before I could take the laptop with me wherever I go, I was going to hook it up by ethernet to my mom's network. Then her router died.


When will it end?

June 19, 2008

Ransom

My laptop is being held by UPS for ransom. What is the ransom? My signature.

At 2:47 AM it left the UPS center for delivery.

At 6:55 AM I left for work

At 11:08 AM UPS could not obtain a signature as recipient was not home (no crap, I was at work! where were you for the four hours between when you left the center that is like 6 miles from my house and when I left for work. That was four hours of delivery time!!!!!!!)

At 1:36 PM Customer called asking if she could pick up the laptop tonight.

At 2:45 PM UPS called and said she could pick it up between 7:30 and 8:00 PM
Frustrated conversation ensued about why the UPS coordinator could not contact the UPS man to have him stop by customers house between 6:00 and 6:30 or get said UPS man's butt (it IS a man, the UPS center said so) back to the center so said customer can pick up laptop in a timely manner.

At 2:55 PM Customer ended call with the promise of a phone call received if it could be picked up earlier.

At 5:14 PM Customer leaves work knowing she will need to send her mother to pick it up at 9:00 AM Friday morning.

June 18, 2008

Catch Up

I haven't posted in a couple days, so I thought I would have a catch up post:

I still don't understand the blogher thing and I'm having a heck of a time finding time to figure it out! For now, I will be content with ignoring its existence until such a time when I can make myself sit down long enough to process.

I think I need to come up with themes for my days of posting. Perhaps I should first consider posting more often.

Current issues I'm panicking about: Marriage. Keep in mind I have no prospects, no boyfriend, and in the foreseeable future have absolutely no reason to be panicking. Ridiculous, I know.

I am having a garage sale this weekend and need to finish going through the crap in my basement so I can sell everything I own this weekend. So annoying, all the posessions.

Went out for a bachelorette party (unrelated to the aforementioned marriage panic) and had a blast! Note to self: not the best idea on a work night.

That's all for now, check back later for more explanations and pictures!

June 13, 2008

The site where women and blogs collide: BlogHer

Ok, so I'm bouncing around the blogworld today and come across this person who posts at something called BlogHer and of course, being a woman, I want to know what is this site where women and blogs collide!

What I found is a bevy (and I believe this is the first time in life I have used that word) or a hotbed of blogging women! I joined of course, but am finding that I've skipped steps, like reading the How To section and About because I'm not really sure yet what it is about, except that it puts my blog out there.

Here's my issue: they want an RSS feed and I don't know what that is or how to give them one. I tried to google it, but the explanations don't provide any help and then I found some info here at blogspot, but I don't think I did it right because everything comes up blank. So, if you know what you're doing, please offer some assistance by leaving a comment.

June 12, 2008

Flying Staplers (formerly: You get what you ask for...)

I was struck moments ago, by a flying stapler....just kidding, I was really struck by a realization I had about how God works in all kinds of ways and it felt like I was struck with a flying stapler. In fact, that's what I think I will call those moments, flying staplers. Awesome. I'm changing the title.

About two or three years ago, I asked God to break down the barriers that I build, the walls that keep people away, my beloved defense mechanisms. Well, true to His word, He fulfills promises and has been whittling away. Lately, though, I feel like those changes are coming faster and more impactful, at times literally leaving me breathless as they are realized. I even have moments of panic when I look to the future to wonder why now, what will this mean? I am horrified to actually put this on paper, because it's so embarassing and it seems so single minded, but only one person reads this blog anyway (thanks girlymama) so I guess it's ok. Typically I am viewing this in the frame of meeting my husband. Awful, isn't it? For a girl who is very hardcore about protecting and guarding women's hearts, thinking in that light does me in for a panic attack every time! My first thought lately has been, "Oh, but wait, it's too soon, I know I said I wanted to get married, but oh my, do I really, I don't knowohmygoshwhatamigoingtodowithall..." and the pathology continues from there until I am worked up in a ridiculous frenzy and remember to look down at my feet and remember I am still planted firmly where God wants me and not a moment too soon will I get to wherever He is taking me. Insert deep breath here.

Once I come back to the present moment, where God and I are both in the same space and time, I remember that I asked for this. And I take a look around. For example, I lead a college ministry at my church and I have a student that I've known since she was in high school. She recently wrote a letter and it struck me as very open, vulnerable, etc. This is kind of unusual for her, or at least the real life her (I've noticed that internet-her is a little different-both are wonderful people) and I really felt like God was leading me to respond in some way and so I prayed about it. I gave her some encouragement and shared a little bit about God changing me and in doing so was hit by a flying stapler! I realized, God impacted me and communicated with me while I was writing back to this girl, who felt prompted to write this letter for whatever reason. He uses chain of events like that all the time, and I'm absolutely tickled by them.

I am a control freak. I've known this for quite a bit of time, and thought that I had it under control (HA!) to the point where I would only be that way in certain situations that I decided were alright. I viewed it as sort of micromanaging. In some situations, I need to do it. In others, not so much. But in my development of defense mechanisms and wall building, I'm trying to control zillions of things: others' view of me, my level of vulnerability with them, how much they know about the real me, how much I let God into the situation/relationship, etc. I even did it earlier in this post, trying to decide how much to put out there for ONE PERSON to read. Who, in all honesty, lives many states away, who I haven't seen since a random trip to a city near her, and is such a loving person that she probably wouldn't care what mess I put out there and even already knows some mess because she discipled me in college. Now THAT is a control freak for you.

Once I'm hit by a stapler, I can quickly get overwhelmed because I like to look at things from various angles. First, my own: why do I do that? Second, others' view: if I were them, or if I were me and someone did that in my direction, what would I think about them, how would I react in the others' shoes, etc. Third, from God's view: what does He say about that behavior/action (usually, stop it) or what does He say about the opposite of that behavior (controlling: His will, His time). Lastly, the impact: what situations does that behavior play out in and what kind of impact does that have on that situation/relationship. It can get deep and believe me, quite widespread.

One example of how that control thing played out today in the impact survey is in light of the college bible study that I run. I have been persevering on the numbers of folks that show up. I have about 30 people on my active mailing list. They got there because they were in the high school group, or signed up to be on the mailing list. They are dedicated people. They love Jesus, or know something about Him, they come to church, etc. The first week, two people. The second week, one. Nevermind that I had gotten a zillion e-mails that folks were out of town, would be there next week, had other committments. Nope, I freaked out that my bible study was not going the way I thought it should and what was God doing putting this group on my heart to create and then letting me feel like a failure? Ok, where do I BEGIN with all the wrong things in that sentence? If I let the numbers thing get in the way, I'm getting in God's way. I need to prayerfully follow His guidance of what to do each week, each moment, each e-mail, each conversation with these students, these friends, and don't worry about anything else. Last week, God sent one person. Awesome! A NEW person. And I felt a little ridiculous leading the bible study with one person, but it was still good. And hopefully she'll come back. But if she doesn't, that's ok, because I walked in His will.

A brief note before I wrap up: this is the first bible study I've ever led and I was scared out of my mind. Half hoping no one would show up so I wouldn't have to do it, half hoping someone would show up so it wouldn't be a failure for that week. That's a hard spot to be in, halfway between two desires :) So as I was half rejoicing that I wouldn't have to lead the bible study because no one was there, and praying to the Lord, "God, is it really Your will that no one is here, how can that be?" this girl walked through the door. Talk about a blatant answer. I loved it.

June 10, 2008

Grilled Corn

The grill is working out nicely and dinner was delicious last night! Oh my goodness was it good! I tried this with the corn and it worked out nicely:

Ingredients:
Corn
Butter
Fresh lemon juice
Crushed garlic

Combine butter, lemon juice to taste, and garlic in a bowl, microwave until butter is melted.
Remove husks from corn and place corn on grill (I put mine on the little "warming rack" but you could probably put it on the cooking part too). Turn corn and rebaste every few minutes until it looks a deep yellow. Enjoy!

Other ideas for serving: themed spices - try curry, red pepper flakes, pesto, or chili powder melted in with the butter for serving with different types of meals...

June 9, 2008

Forgiveness

Near the end of my first year in grad school my parents separated, except it was a lot more violent than that, or at least felt that way...separated sounds like such a mutal word, an amicable split. It was anything but. Clear out of the blue for the most part. Unexpected. Mean and painful. In any case, divorce was in the works.

It was maddening the way he would keep showing up to do things around the house, like cut the grass. Or fix something. Like he still lived there and had any right to come and go as he pleased. He even once bought us ice cream and left it in the freezer. Left a note for my mom every time, and signed it "love" which is the completely wrong word for it. "Torture" would have been more appropriate. I mean, is it really love when in the same breath as you tell someone they are the most important person in your life and you love them so much, you also tell them that you're leaving? I hardly think so.

We sold the house. Packed our stuff into storage and left. I did things like take all the cds I knew were his favorite. I left him all the tupperware without lids and lids without tupperware bottoms (he would throw tantrums over this when I was growing up). I purposely left things messy so he would be responsible for cleaning up the mess he left. I realize now how metaphorical that is, or whatever the appropriate word is. I still want him to be held responsible for what a mess things were/are and I want someone to blame for how angry and hurt I still am.

So the Christmas following, this would have been December of 2002, all I could do as my mom and I hopped from party to party on Christmas Eve was think about how lonely he must be because my mom got all the friends and family in the settlement. It made me feel bad, so I called him. Then I went over for lunch. When I went back to school and made arrangements to have lunch while he was in town on business. It was all just awful. All I could picture was having to split holidays and the sad look on my mom's face when I would leave her to see him, awkward silences while we thought about things we couldn't talk about, how horribly he treated my mom, how disrespectful he is.

So I told him I couldn't see him anymore. I barely looked at him through lunch. We had Chinese food. I didn't look at him when I told him I couldn't do this anymore. It was snowing outside. We got out of the car. I still wasn't looking at him. He asked if he could have a hug. I told him no and walked away. He sent me a letter later that year asking if he could come to my graduation. I sent him a scathing letter back wondering how he could ask such a thing. I then spent the whole day worried that he would show up and cause a scene. I hated the feeling of being overly alert and prepared for what might happen if he were to show up, so I took precautions to cover my tracks. He doesn't know where I live, where I work, where I go to church, what car I drive, what my phone number is. He still sends Christmas and birthday presents every year, but I think this was the last one. He used to send them to my mom's office, but her office moved. He tried sending them through family, but that made them uncomfortable. This year a package came to the house, but it had the wrong phone number on it so I returned it to UPS person unknown. But now I'm afraid that he'll show up on my doorstep to check and see if the address was right.

All this mess is coming up again because I found out he's moving to the next city over. There's a HUGE possibility he'll be places I go. And I'm afraid. Not because he'll do anything, but because I don't know what I would do. Freak out? Snap? Disintegrate? Melt? I've spent an awful lot of time making sure he can't find me. The worst thing he is is pushy, so the worst thing that could happen is he'll bother me all the time. But I haven't dealt with MY issues with him leaving, I don't think. I've spent all my time concentrating on my mom.

I thought that I had forgiven him, but the thought has come to mind that perhaps I conditionally forgave him: I will forgive you if only I never have to see you, speak to you, hear from you, etc. And if that is the case, what do I do next? I don't have any particular desire to forgive him, other than the fact that it's what God tells us to do. I do have a particular desire for him to be punished, scolded, reprimanded, pay, be humiliated, be lonely, held accountable, responsible, etc. for leaving and inflicting what has resulted in my life/lifestyle for the past five years.

I deduced last week at bible study (thank God it was the women's time together) that I probably am truly mad at God for not protecting me, when it gets right down to it. My pastor always says anger is a secondary emotion, not primary. My primary emotion is hurt. My dad turned out to not be what he was supposed to be, and he did not do what he was supposed to do. My life is not turning out how it was supposed to turn out. I feel guilty and responsible for things that I shouldn't be.

Which doesn't leave me in any better of a place, because what do you do with anger at the Lord? He does everything perfectly, and good always wins over evil, and I truly believe that if he stayed, things could have turned out worse. But what do you do if your head knows, but your heart doesn't?

Give me an F, G, H, and J

No, I am not a cheerleader, but I did build a grill!

I have been missing grilled summer food since we moved into the condo and my craving for grilled chicken and grilled veggies this weekend was just too great! I went to Lowe's and got a tabletop portable gas grill. I expected given the size of the box that all I had to do was attach the legs and screw the mini bottle of propane onto it. Nope! The whole thing needed to be assembled so for two hours I deciphered ridiculous directions and tiny pictures that were hard to see. All the little nuts and bolts and springs and washers were labeled with letters...on the front of the package...not the back where the opening was, but the front. And there were like four little nuts, bolts and washers for each hole.

Finally it came together! Saturday we had grilled chicken and bbq chicken, grilled summer squash and bean salad. Delish! Strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate for dessert.

Tonight we're having hamburgers, corn on the cob, and salad!

Bon appetit!