July 28, 2009

up and down and round again, down and up and round again

I've missed you, the few of you that read this :) And while I have been faithful in keeping up with your lives, I feel a little bit like the person that stands in line behind you in the grocery store listening to the life story you are telling someone else. Not really participatory, huh? I've been absent since April, with little excuse except that I took a condensed class, a 16 week class in 8, that kicked my butt the beginning of the summer, and then work got ridiculous as we transitioned semesters and spread our attention between three of them at once. Yuck. But! Now I am on vacation for the rest of the summer, so to speak. Still going to work, but no classes until September. Speaking of which, my best friend found out today she got accepted to the Ph.D. program she applied to, so proud! We made an agreement that when we graduate, we are going to get dressed up in our gowns and such and go show off somewhere :)

Frankie Can't Relax recently posted her last, which I found sad, because she's hilarious and has so much gumption to say things I would only think. But I understand where she's coming from. Until recently, I was comfortable with strangers reading what I posted, and even comfortable with people I knew reading here. But recently, two things have happened.

First, I have been involved in events recently that I so desperately want to think out loud about here, but they are so private I don't think I can, because they don't involve just me. And it's a good thing, these events! There are parts to them that make me deliriously happy, answer my prayers, and drive me to distraction in almost anything else I do. This does not bode well for school work, but I have five more weeks to figure that out :) There are the complications, though, that are the driving force behind the privacy. They aren't my complications, although they do hinder the delirium, and they are heartwrenchingly painful. They lead to many moments of silence during conversation because I just don't know what to say. And I'm a born fixer and helper, so its killing me not to be able to do anything tangible, either words, or solutions, or hugs for goodness sake! And then I pray. Which often seems to not be enough, although in this particular circumstance, I seem to be much more aware of God's hand in it, so I know there is some purpose. It's still painful, though, these complications.

Second, someone I know read here, and it has made me unusually self conscious about posting, like nervous about what that person would think. So I totally understand what Frankie is saying about feeling naked and exposed. But why should that be? My FRIENDS read here, and this person and I, we are at least friends, but I feel under a microscope, like I have to prove something. Perhaps insecurities are creating themselves :) I am not a writer, but feel compelled to write and am much better are processing this way, than in my head only. And so that leaves me in a quandry; do I ignore the feeling that I have no privacy (which is odd, 'cause you know, it's the internet) and the worry of what this friend will think, interpret, and perceive? Or do I take those feelings as a warning from God and keep my mouthy fingers shut for the time being? I feel like the intelligent thing to do would be to be cautious and just don't talk about it, talk about other things. Those things that have become trivial, that are pushed aside in my distraction and delirium.

I choose the rollercoaster that takes me up and down and round again, down and up and round again, knowing it will work out in the end, and pray.

1 comment:

girlymama said...

we miss you too!

i know how you feel - so many people i know read my blog (including my pastor and my grandpa) so there are definitely some off-limits topics!!! its taken 3 years of blogging to learn what NOT to post ;-)

hang in there, girl!