January 29, 2010

on hearts and waiting on god

Have you ever been in that place, where you miss the Lord, and you don't understand why because you don't ever remember stepping away? When you furiously search through your mental snapshots and recollect when you worshipped Him just this past Sunday, and thought of Him yesterday when you were caught off guard by that cool purple and hot pink sky. But then today. Today you miss Him, and it's an all consuming ache, nothing that chocolate or a glass of wine would fix.

I think it has to do with stress. School is very stressful right now, and I tend to look for comforting things when I'm stressed, trying desperately not to look for comforting FOOD, mind you, but comforting clothes, experiences, people. And I was reading this over at The Run a Muck and I suddenly missed my bible study that I left a while back. Now, don't get me wrong, I left for good reasons, and confirmed with the Lord it was time, but we used to be so in love with each other and hang out all the time and it just wasn't the same anymore. I miss that safe and comfortable feeling. But today, I miss what used to be, which seems to be happening to me lately, too. I have been trying to mend a broken heart and I've suddenly realized that I don't know if one heals from loving someone, or if there just remains a permanent scar and the feeling of regret of the loss. And so I find myself looking for comfort, to God, where I should be looking, but the pain still sears and the tears still come, and I wait.

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